he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
