I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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