we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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