i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
