Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
