i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
