I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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