i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
