What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
When did angry sex become our thing?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
