apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
