??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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