I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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