i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
