He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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