I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We have started to decorate penises.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Randomize
