Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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