Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
