I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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