it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
