I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I know her cup size but not her name....
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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