There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
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Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
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You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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