she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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