he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
May the power of my ass compel you!!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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