i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
