apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
