When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
