i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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