theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
