My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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