I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
