I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I need to sanitize my soul.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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