I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
