mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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