you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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