I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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