does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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