So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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