I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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