I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Sober January is a disaster.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
