I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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