At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
