OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
