the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
