her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
