I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize