i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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