I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
