Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
