I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
