you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
