It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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