Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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