Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
