I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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