Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
