So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
