I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
