you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
