we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
